The last time I saw you

I liked the way you walked.

Is that weird? 

You held yourself with a humbling confidence.

I was jealous of your clothes constantly caressing your body.

You were the most attractive in the shower though.

Not just because you were naked,

water running down your skin making you glow,

your hair somehow always in a perfect swoop

no matter how you touched it.

You were vulnerable. 

You were relaxed. 

I was looking at such a raw private moment

of who you really were.

Your laugh could end wars.

It could dance through the valleys and hills 

and you would always catch me dancing to it. 

Your eyes were dark and deep,

they held your entire soul. 

I never knew I could love such an abyss. 

When I was laying bare on the bed 

And you looked at me with such hunger, 

I craved you. 

You’re eyes became wild and amazed,

Like I was the most beautiful feast

After being lost in the desert. 

And when you told me you loved me

I felt peace. 

I could see all of our past lives together 

And every moment we fell in love. 

Threshold

 Every day I have to walk through the threshold where you told me you loved me. I turned to look at you and told you I loved you too. We embraced and solidified our love for each other with a passionate kiss. And every day I walk in that ghost of us in that hallway. Wishing it lasted forever. 

The anger

God, I'm angry. 

So very angry.

I could crush the earth with the strength that swells up in me. 

I could scream for decades and never take a breath. 

I've become someone I don't recognize.

How dare you. 

You get to leave me and feel a little sad,

a little guilty.

I'm left with the anger. The monster. 

You abandoned me,

and I still defended you. 

You're gone and I evaporated.

Nothing was holding me together.

You let it happen.

You saw me breaking,

more and more.

And kept your eyes away from me. 

Ignoring everything I begged for.

I pleaded. 

I needed you.

The irony reading this now

     I feel so misunderstood. How cliche, right? Not feeling heard, not feeling seen, never finding the right words to use for the average person to comprehend what I'm trying to communicate. I try any way I can to express myself. I write my silly little words down. I paint all the pictures. I dance and move my body. I've tried it all. I've learned as many words as I possibly can. Did you know the average person can know about 35,000 words? And no amount of infinite combinations can make me feel understood. 

    That is, until you showed up. You took this chance on me. You saw something in me and wanted to learn more. You took the time to ask me about myself. You took the time to really look at me and see there was more than just surface level fascination. 

You pay attention to my little micro expressions like I'm under a microscope. You are trying to understand every atom, every molecule. You want to see them shift and move like it's the most beautiful dance you've ever seen.  You show up and are present with every day that has passed. I don't think you will ever realize how important that is for me. 

Even right now, as I write this, we are on FaceTime and you are asleep and snoring. Not wanting even a moment apart. We are so far away in distance but we are close emotionally. 

I don't have to beg with you. I've spent my entire life begging for something. Begging my father to spend time with me. For him to see me for the person that I am and not for the daughter he has created in his mind. Begging for him to learn anything about me. Eventually I stopped begging him for validation and reassurance. 

but then I've had to beg every boyfriend I've ever known to see me. I've had to beg for them to not be embarrassed by me. Ive had to beg for them not to leave me when things got hard or when I was feeling so low I could barely take care of myself. I was fighting for my life when boys have walked away from me because they thought I was too much. 

But with you, I don't have to beg. I am confident that when the inevitable day of a friend or family member passes away, I don't need to sit there and beg for you to sit with me while I cry. You will be there for the hard stuff. You will be there and I won't have to beg.  

R

I almost lost you the moment we met. 

I've been so jaded and numb until this point.

Our initial interaction was average.

I didn't see it at first.

I was letting you slip away.

But you saw it.

You saw what we were to become.

Letting me drift a bit but never very far,

you brought me back. 

It was simple,

Hello.

Hello...

I'm trying to convince myself this could still work.

That was the start.

The beginning of our love story.

Endless conversations,

Constant laughter,

The connection I've been yearning for.

It's the story you hear about and wish it happened to you.

This story was mine.

The love story that I've always was envious of,

Was mine.

This beautiful man was mine.

He was someone I wanted to experience everything with,

I want him by my side through it all. 

How did we get here?

 I don't even know what to write. I'm reading all this happy bullshit I wrote when we started talking and it's so positive and beautiful and there is so much hope in that version of me that wrote those things. But then there is this version: Cynical and harsh and angry. My chest is burning. You became so important to me in such a short amount of time. But here we are at the end of our very short story. I really thought it would last. I really thought it was going to work this time. My friends were so hopeful. They have seen me at my absolute lowest. When I got cheated on over and over again. When I was able to get away from some of the psychos I've dated. When my ex got arrested for strangling me. They have seen me in the dirt fighting for my life. And time and time again they have seen me pick myself up and try again. And again. And again. And again. 

I'm gonna be crying myself to sleep again tonight. A familiar feeling, almost nostalgic. After every single bad relationship the recipe for "loving yourself" always comes up.  I need to love myself so much. I need to focus on me. I need to love myself so much so that the next person that comes along will be held to the highest standard...but what happens when that next person never comes along. I'll either lower my standards and end up in another abusive relationship or my standards are so high no one meets up to them and I end up alone.  I don't want to be alone. I'm sure no one wants to be alone. I'll be alone if I have to be, but God, I wanted to be with you. 

It's unfair how easy you make it to fall in love with you. It was probably one of the easiest things I've ever done. I told one of my friends, " it feels like we were always meant to be together" and I meant it. That's how swift and effortless it was with you. You were able to seamlessly glide into my life like you were always meant to be there. 

You lived in a bubble though. This beautiful bubble that hypnotized you. You didn't know which way was up, I was always on your mind and you were completely in love with me. And I believed it. I walked right into the bubble. We were high above everything. Nothing in site to pop the delusions around us. We were two stupid people who thought we were falling in love hard and fast. And maybe we did. Maybe we did fall in love so hard and so fast we felt completely invincible. So invincible that we never thought about the hardships. We thought we were so invincible that we could conquer anything because we loved each other so much. Until we floated near something too sharp; too real. 

POP! 

I reached for your hand. We were so in love right? RIGHT? 

But you left me falling and I've been wondering on the way down: Why did you let me in this nightmare?  This absolute tragedy; this person who has done everything to make me fall in love with them and then rips it all completely away from me. Have you ever loved someone and then they just walk away? One day they tell you they love you, then almost a week later is telling you they aren't in love with you and they don't want to stay together? That's soul crushing. 

How does that happen? It's almost comical. It's actually very comical. The most bizarre things happen to me. It would happen to me and only me that some guy would go out of his way to convince me to fall in love with him and I fall deeply, madly in love, just for him to then walk away for whatever reasons that he needs to tell himself to feel better about crushing me. I wonder what you tell yourself while you fall asleep so you can have a restful night were you will eventually forget about me in another weeks time.

It makes me want to cry that you will probably forget about me soon. While you will have a little wrinkle in my brain with your name on it. Of everything we have talked about, every smile you flashed me, every secret you told me, every time you looked at me, every kiss you gave me and every touch. Years from now I'll still think of you and I'll wonder how you are doing and how I miss you. I won't be able to go down the candy isle without thinking of you at least once. I won't be able to see another person riding their bike down the street without me wondering how you look these days riding your bike. I'll wonder if you are happy and if you have achieved all the dreams and goals you talked about. You'll cross my mind at the most random times but nonetheless I'll think of you. And I'll wonder if I ever cross your mind even in the tiniest flash.

I want to forget. Because I know I'll be gone from you. It's not fair. You wanted me, you yearned for me. You became obsessed with me. But I know I'll be gone from your memory just as quickly as I became your obsession.

I don't pray. But I prayed for a man like you. Every birthday wish I wished for a man like you. This past birthday when I blew out my single candle I thought to myself, "please let this work out." I wanted nothing more than to have that future with you. The good, the bad, the truly terrible and the wonderfully amazing. Ive been dreaming of you. It's always been you. I've only wanted you. How did we get here...

Addicted

 I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol before. But I'm addicted to people. I crave certain attention because of the lack of love I got as a child. At least that's what the internet and my therapist say. 

I get angry at this boy. This simple, basic boy. 

This beautifully average, simple boy. 

I get angry with him. 

"Why are you angry at him?" 

Because he makes me smile. He makes me laugh. 

I don't want to laugh. I don't want to smile. 

 It tricks my mind into thinking I'm okay. So I tell him, "You make me angry." Naturally, he asks me, "Why?" 

"Because I'm happy when I'm with you." 

You see, the problem is, I'm not ready to be happy. 

I'm not ready to be treated with respect. I'm not ready to be showered with positive attention.

I was used to being sad. It felt normal to be treated like an afterthought. 

So when someone comes around and doesn't make me sad, who doesn't make me feel like an afterthought, I become addicted. 

I get so high on feeling important to someone and I chase that feeling. 

3AM Wednesday Mornings

    He picked me up at 2am. I was fighting an anxiety attack right before he picked me up. I pushed it down as best as I could. I wasn't going to let my anxiety ruin a possible good night. The drive to the beach was quiet, with small talk occasionally filling the air. We eventually reached our destination. 

    It was 50 degrees but with the beach breeze it was probably closer to 40. The sky was clear and the breeze nipped at my cheeks. We gazed at the stars and talked about if aliens actually did exist. We swapped stories about all sorts of things in our lives. And we were so very cold but we didn't really mind since we were just enjoying each other company. 

We both laid on our sides looking at each other for a few moments until I complained about how cold the ground was. I sat up and he laid on his back and pulled me down so I was laying on him. He was warm. He said I could put my hands in his hoodie pocket but I ended up putting them under his shirt. We laughed as he yelped at my cold hands on his skin. 

We eventually sat up and he cuddled me from behind, wrapping his arms around my shoulders resting his head against the back of mine. 

We kept asking what the other was thinking. There was a lot of unspoken words hanging around us hanging from the stars.

I told him about how I push nice guys away. I told him how any time a guy is nice to me or treats me respectfully, I run away. I push them away. It's probably the worst thing about me. I am so used to being treated wrong, by so many people, that when a genuine person comes around I self-sabotage. 

I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship. He said that was "completely fine". He said whatever happens he is happy he is able to spend time with me and make memories together. Whenever I'm ready to be in a relationship he hopes he is given that chance to make me happy in a relationship, but even if we stay friends he would still be happy. 

We have had this conversation a few times before. But this time felt different. This time I actually believed him. I didn't feel the pressure of needing to be ready to rush into something with him. The feeling I think I was having was trust. I think I was trusting that he was telling me the truth. That both made me happy and terrified me all at the same time. 

Shower thoughts

It was our safe space. 

The place we could be completely stripped.

Naked emotions.

No filter needed.

We were open and free. 

Small things

It's the small things.

The small things you did that I subconsciously would hide.

I would find remains of you scattered around my house.

It was like you took ahold of me all over again.

It was those small things that made me fall in love with you in the beginning.

It was those small things that made me fall in love all over again. 

Even months after it ended.  

I'm Crazy

 I'm crazy. 

    Do you want to know why I'm crazy? Well, for starters, I give too many chances. So many god damn chances. To every single person who doesn't deserve even one chance. But you see, I believe in benefit of the doubt, which is the problem. I always want to believe that someone is better than they actually are. I give them the opportunity to be the person I expect them to be in my head. Guess what? They never reach that expectation. Which is probably my fault for giving them a high expectation. But I just want them to be the best version of themselves. I want them to be who they deserve to be. But they always fall short of what I expect from them. 

    I am horribly disappointed but I give another chance. I lower my expectations and give them the second chance to prove to me that they can be better. And they fail, again. This cycle repeats itself over and over again until my expectations are practically nothing. So when someone gives me slightly above that nothing expectation, I am over the fucking moon. And I hold on to that little hope of that slightly above nothing expectation... 

    I cling to it like my fucking life depends on it. "They went above my (nothing) expectation once! They can do it again! and they can do bigger expectations!" Thats the thought process that lingers in my mind. But that day never really comes when they do more than that one, single expectation. 

Its 5am

 It's 12AM and all I want to do is scream.

I want to rip open my chest and pour out the extra feelings.

It's 1AM and I want to throw my bones into a black hole.

Slice the fat from my body and feed it to lions. 

It's 2AM and I want to pluck my eyes out with forks. 

Turn my skull into a beautiful bowl. 

It's 3AM and I want to bleed into the Red Sea.

Tear the flesh from my face and set it on fire.

It's 4AM...

It's 5AM and I want to disappear. 

And she moved on.

 She sat there,

Doubting herself.

She was always angry,

but she was hopeful.

You see, she saw the one before her move on.

She saw the growth.

She saw the progress.

She saw the future.

With out him,

Doors opened.

With out the insecurities

She loved herself.

With out the heartbreak,

She could thrive.

With out the constant pain,

She was happy. 

There was hope. 

She sat there,

And she moved on.

“God I really do fucking hate you”

You don’t hate me. You hate yourself.

You hate the hand the world dealt you. 

But you love to be sad. 

You hate that I would call you out,

But you loved to be a victim.

You would hate the drama,

But you loved to hurt me any chance you got.

You hated the things that happened too you,

But you loved to do nothing about it. 

Piano Bar

    It was another slow night at the Piano bar. With the rising cases in the Covid-19 Pandemic no one was going out to a small businesses like this one. The owner of the bar, Phil, was trying so hard to stay open and in business because it's all he knew. He felt bad cutting my hours and knew how I was struggling but I still had my consistent Saturdays and I was thankful he didn't fire me. I had to wear my mask while I played the Piano. I felt a little silly because the few people that did come into the bar didn't even come up to request for songs anymore. I just would make a playlist and stick to that all night. 

    Like a robot, I mindlessly played songs. My fingers had their own soul and moved willingly. My mind shut off. I just slowly would breath hot air into my mask and my eyes would wander the room but I wasn't looking at anything specific. I was on auto pilot while I my hands danced on the keys, like a dancer on stage. 

"Excuse me." 

A small slightly muffled voice snapped me out of auto pilot.  I look up to see these big brown eyes staring at me. I could only see her eyes because she was wearing a mask too. It had small apples on them. 

"I'm sorry if I startled you. I was wondering if you could play Satie's Gymnopedie's No. 1." Her voice was soft. She was standing a little awkward by my Piano. Trying to keep a safe distance.  I nodded. 

"Oh, Thank you! It's my favorite!" She twirled away quickly back to her hightop table. 

I did a quick glance around the room and it was only her, an old regular that sits at the bar just to get drunk and a couple in the very back corner. They looked like they were on a date. Probably frustrated with the lack of things open and found whatever place they could to get out of the house.

I paused briefly to take a sip of water before starting the requested song. I haven't played this song in a long time. 

I started playing the first couple of notes letting muscle memory take over. 

The young girl shuffled a few seats away from an area and started moving to the music. She was petit and she swayed back and forth a little before starting to step around and twirl lightly around chairs. She looked like she might have done ballet and she was practicing a routine she knew. It was a dark bar but the way the random spotlights around hit her hair as she moved to each note so gently. I was strangely jealous of how confident she was to do this in a small Piano bar during a pandemic. 

I was captivated by her. I suddenly imagined that she was probably a young dancer in New York. I was imaging she loved to dance and this song is what got her through the days when her feet were about to fall off completely. But oh! did she love to dance. Maybe she had to stop due to a sick relative and she skipped too many rehearsals. Or her studies at school got too intense for her. I bet her favorite color is yellow. She probably volunteers at animal shelters and cries at seeing beautiful sunsets. I was really was curious about this strange, tiny girl. 

With the last finishing notes of the song, I scan the room for her. I guess she had to leave in a hurry...

and with disappointment lingering in my body, 

Suddenly I realized, I fell in love at the Piano bar.

Same Book, Different page.

Are we on the same page?

No, I'm on chapter one. Starting from the beginning. The normal place to start.
While you started in the middle.
"What are you doing" I said, "I thought we were starting from the beginning?"
"Oh, I figured I would skip ahead a little." You said a little bashful.
"No no, we have to start at the beginning...it wont make sense otherwise."


We pick up the book, I glance over at you.
I notice your book is upside down.
"What, what are you doing?" I asked confused.
"I was wondering if I could read it this way!" You exclaimed.
"Thats not how reading works." Unsure of how you thought you could get through an entire book upside down.

I sit down, side by side so we can read this book together. But I cant help but notice that you are looking at other books you want to read. That you want to see other stories. That your attention is caught by many other beautiful book covers.

Is this book not enough? Is the cover not beautiful? Is this story not interesting enough? Does it not have adventure and humor? Does it not have a sexy, dangerous hero? What is this book missing?

This book has depth, it has character development, it has raw, complex, relatable emotions. 

You just couldn't help yourself. You went and picked up a different book. Flipping through the pages, caressing the spine. 

Later on I asked you if you were going to pick up our book again?

"It's important to me," I begged you to read it. 

"Yeah, I'll get to it, eventually. I have other stuff going on..." You dismissed me. 

But you were in love with one specific book. 

"This is the most wonderful book I've ever read!" You kept defending yourself. "I actually only want to read this specific book." You kept rereading it. Even thought you knew how it ended and every detail. 

But you still flipped through the pages of my book. Promising me you would love my story. And I hoped one day you would love my story.

We were always in different books. We could never be on the same page, no matter how hard I tried. 

Disappoint me

If I published every bad thing you said behind my back would you apologize?
If I put you on blast and showed who you really are, would you defend yourself or accept your fate?


Disappoint me.
Do what everyone else does.
Talk shit about me behind my back.
Take advantage of me. Take advantage of the love I have to give.
Be the disappointment in my heart when I wake up and the sun has risen again for a new day.
Disappoint me like everyone else that has walked into my life and taken what they needed.

11/16/2020 2:38am

 My life really got fucking knocked off the rails this year. And I'm ending the year trying to completely rebuild my life from scratch. No steady job. No relationships. Not a lot of friends. No confidence. Always crying and dreaming of where I want to be. But I see it ahead of me. I see the journey. I see what I need to do and this year was one of the worst and lowest of my life but I needed it. I needed this disaster so i can be pushed out of my comfort zone and build a life I am proud of. Not a life I settled for. 

It wont be easy. I'm going to cry a lot. I'm going to fall into old habits occasionally. I'm going to take some stumbles backwards. But I will also keep my eyes up. And I will only thank the things that got me here. I refuse to run back to any part of my past. 

I want to do so much. I never lost sight of who I am. I just put more effort in certain things that felt right at the time. But I never lost sight of who I am and the kind of person I want to be. I've always known who I am. I never let anyone tell me who they think I am. I know who I am. Always have. Always will. And I know the kind of person I will grow into. 

You have such a support system. You can't forget that. You can't ever forget the people who are there for you. They are the ones you should thank at the end of the day. They are the ones who always want whats best for you. Don't forget that. 

Hug your mom more often. She has always supported you. She isn't perfect but she is strong. So much stronger than you give her credit for. I want to be strong for her. I want to make her proud. I will make her proud. 

This year started with wanting to make big changes in my life. And it wasn't what I thought it was going to be but I am making those changes. The changes are happening one way or another. Don't get discouraged on how it happened but it's happening. 

You have done a lot with your life. It sometimes doesn't feel like it. But you are doing great. You have a full life. You just need to remember to appreciate it a little more on the dark days. You are worthy of all good things. You deserve happiness in all forms. And you are in control of that. You don't need anyone to make you feel less than you are. You are important. You have worth.

Hard Truth

 I think the hardest truth is realizing that the show you put on, was never for me. 

It was all for her. 

Used Love

 It was never the fact that you loved someone else before me. 

It was that you brought that love from her into our relationship. 

You couldn't find a new love in me, you brought her love and used that on me. 

I got hand me downs. I got used goods. 

You couldn't afford to put something new into what we were building together. 

And foolishly, I accepted it. 

It was the love that you could give me and I accepted it even knowing I deserved more than feelings for another woman.

You had a limited love capacity and it was maxed out with her. 

You cant love anyone the way you loved her.