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The irony reading this now

     I feel so misunderstood. How cliche, right? Not feeling heard, not feeling seen, never finding the right words to use for the average person to comprehend what I'm trying to communicate. I try any way I can to express myself. I write my silly little words down. I paint all the pictures. I dance and move my body. I've tried it all. I've learned as many words as I possible can. Did you know the average person can know about 35,000 words? And no amount of infinite combinations can make me feel understood. 


    That is, until you showed up. You took this chance on me. You saw something in me and wanted to learn more. You took the time to ask me about myself. You took the time to really look at me and see there was more than just surface level fascination. 

You pay attention to my little micro expressions like I'm under a microscope. You are trying to understand every atom, every molecule. You want to see them shift and move like it's the most beautiful dance you've ever seen.  You show up and are present with every day that has passed. I don't think you will ever realize how important that is for me. 

Even right now, as I write this, we are on FaceTime and you are asleep and snoring. Not wanting even a moment apart. We are so far away in distance but we are close emotionally. 

I don't have to beg with you. I've spent my entire life begging for something. Begging my father to spend time with me. For him to see me for the person that I am and not for the daughter he has created in his mind. Begging for him to learn anything about me. Eventually I stopped begging him for validation and reassurance. 
but then I've had to beg every boyfriend I've ever known to see me. I've had to beg for them to not be embarrassed by me. Ive had to beg for them not to leave me when things got hard or when I was feeling so low I could barely take care of myself. I was fighting for my life when boys have walked away from me because they thought I was too much. 

But with you, I don't have to beg. I am confident that when the inevitable day of a friend or family member passes away, I don't need to sit there and beg for you to sit with me while I cry. You will be there for the hard stuff. You will be there and I won't have to beg.  



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