How did we get here?

 I don't even know what to write. I'm reading all this happy bullshit I wrote when we started talking and it's so positive and beautiful and there is so much hope in that version of me that wrote those things. But then there is this version: Cynical and harsh and angry. My chest is burning. You became so important to me in such a short amount of time. But here we are at the end of our very short story. I really thought it would last. I really thought it was going to work this time. My friends were so hopeful. They have seen me at my absolute lowest. When I got cheated on over and over again. When I was able to get away from some of the psychos I've dated. When my ex got arrested for strangling me. They have seen me in the dirt fighting for my life. And time and time again they have seen me pick myself up and try again. And again. And again. And again. 

I'm gonna be crying myself to sleep again tonight. A familiar feeling, almost nostalgic. After every single bad relationship the recipe for "loving yourself" always comes up.  I need to love myself so much. I need to focus on me. I need to love myself so much so that the next person that comes along will be held to the highest standard...but what happens when that next person never comes along. I'll either lower my standards and end up in another abusive relationship or my standards are so high no one meets up to them and I end up alone.  I don't want to be alone. I'm sure no one wants to be alone. I'll be alone if I have to be, but God, I wanted to be with you. 

It's unfair how easy you make it to fall in love with you. It was probably one of the easiest things I've ever done. I told one of my friends, " it feels like we were always meant to be together" and I meant it. That's how swift and effortless it was with you. You were able to seamlessly glide into my life like you were always meant to be there. 

You lived in a bubble though. This beautiful bubble that hypnotized you. You didn't know which way was up, I was always on your mind and you were completely in love with me. And I believed it. I walked right into the bubble. We were high above everything. Nothing in site to pop the delusions around us. We were two stupid people who thought we were falling in love hard and fast. And maybe we did. Maybe we did fall in love so hard and so fast we felt completely invincible. So invincible that we never thought about the hardships. We thought we were so invincible that we could conquer anything because we loved each other so much. Until we floated near something too sharp; too real. 

POP! 

I reached for your hand. We were so in love right? RIGHT? 

But you left me falling and I've been wondering on the way down: Why did you let me in this nightmare?  This absolute tragedy; this person who has done everything to make me fall in love with them and then rips it all completely away from me. Have you ever loved someone and then they just walk away? One day they tell you they love you, then almost a week later is telling you they aren't in love with you and they don't want to stay together? That's soul crushing. 

How does that happen? It's almost comical. It's actually very comical. The most bizarre things happen to me. It would happen to me and only me that some guy would go out of his way to convince me to fall in love with him and I fall deeply, madly in love, just for him to then walk away for whatever reasons that he needs to tell himself to feel better about crushing me. I wonder what you tell yourself while you fall asleep so you can have a restful night were you will eventually forget about me in another weeks time.

It makes me want to cry that you will probably forget about me soon. While you will have a little wrinkle in my brain with your name on it. Of everything we have talked about, every smile you flashed me, every secret you told me, every time you looked at me, every kiss you gave me and every touch. Years from now I'll still think of you and I'll wonder how you are doing and how I miss you. I won't be able to go down the candy isle without thinking of you at least once. I won't be able to see another person riding their bike down the street without me wondering how you look these days riding your bike. I'll wonder if you are happy and if you have achieved all the dreams and goals you talked about. You'll cross my mind at the most random times but nonetheless I'll think of you. And I'll wonder if I ever cross your mind even in the tiniest flash.

I want to forget. Because I know I'll be gone from you. It's not fair. You wanted me, you yearned for me. You became obsessed with me. But I know I'll be gone from your memory just as quickly as I became your obsession.

I don't pray. But I prayed for a man like you. Every birthday wish I wished for a man like you. This past birthday when I blew out my single candle I thought to myself, "please let this work out." I wanted nothing more than to have that future with you. The good, the bad, the truly terrible and the wonderfully amazing. Ive been dreaming of you. It's always been you. I've only wanted you. How did we get here...