3AM Wednesday Mornings

    He picked me up at 2am. I was fighting an anxiety attack right before he picked me up. I pushed it down as best as I could. I wasn't going to let my anxiety ruin a possible good night. The drive to the beach was quiet, with small talk occasionally filling the air. We eventually reached our destination. 

    It was 50 degrees but with the beach breeze it was probably closer to 40. The sky was clear and the breeze nipped at my cheeks. We gazed at the stars and talked about if aliens actually did exist. We swapped stories about all sorts of things in our lives. And we were so very cold but we didn't really mind since we were just enjoying each other company. 

We both laid on our sides looking at each other for a few moments until I complained about how cold the ground was. I sat up and he laid on his back and pulled me down so I was laying on him. He was warm. He said I could put my hands in his hoodie pocket but I ended up putting them under his shirt. We laughed as he yelped at my cold hands on his skin. 

We eventually sat up and he cuddled me from behind, wrapping his arms around my shoulders resting his head against the back of mine. 

We kept asking what the other was thinking. There was a lot of unspoken words hanging around us hanging from the stars.

I told him about how I push nice guys away. I told him how any time a guy is nice to me or treats me respectfully, I run away. I push them away. It's probably the worst thing about me. I am so used to being treated wrong, by so many people, that when a genuine person comes around I self-sabotage. 

I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship. He said that was "completely fine". He said whatever happens he is happy he is able to spend time with me and make memories together. Whenever I'm ready to be in a relationship he hopes he is given that chance to make me happy in a relationship, but even if we stay friends he would still be happy. 

We have had this conversation a few times before. But this time felt different. This time I actually believed him. I didn't feel the pressure of needing to be ready to rush into something with him. The feeling I think I was having was trust. I think I was trusting that he was telling me the truth. That both made me happy and terrified me all at the same time.