How did we get here?

 I don't even know what to write. I'm reading all this happy bullshit I wrote when we started talking and it's so positive and beautiful and there is so much hope in that version of me that wrote those things. But then there is this version: Cynical and harsh and angry. My chest is burning. You became so important to me in such a short amount of time. But here we are at the end of our very short story. I really thought it would last. I really thought it was going to work this time. My friends were so hopeful. They have seen me at my absolute lowest. When I got cheated on over and over again. When I was able to get away from some of the psychos I've dated. When my ex got arrested for strangling me. They have seen me in the dirt fighting for my life. And time and time again they have seen me pick myself up and try again. And again. And again. And again. 

I'm gonna be crying myself to sleep again tonight. A familiar feeling, almost nostalgic. After every single bad relationship the recipe for "loving yourself" always comes up.  I need to love myself so much. I need to focus on me. I need to love myself so much so that the next person that comes along will be held to the highest standard...but what happens when that next person never comes along. I'll either lower my standards and end up in another abusive relationship or my standards are so high no one meets up to them and I end up alone.  I don't want to be alone. I'm sure no one wants to be alone. I'll be alone if I have to be, but God, I wanted to be with you. 

It's unfair how easy you make it to fall in love with you. It was probably one of the easiest things I've ever done. I told one of my friends, " it feels like we were always meant to be together" and I meant it. That's how swift and effortless it was with you. You were able to seamlessly glide into my life like you were always meant to be there. 

You lived in a bubble though. This beautiful bubble that hypnotized you. You didn't know which way was up, I was always on your mind and you were completely in love with me. And I believed it. I walked right into the bubble. We were high above everything. Nothing in site to pop the delusions around us. We were two stupid people who thought we were falling in love hard and fast. And maybe we did. Maybe we did fall in love so hard and so fast we felt completely invincible. So invincible that we never thought about the hardships. We thought we were so invincible that we could conquer anything because we loved each other so much. Until we floated near something too sharp; too real. 

POP! 

I reached for your hand. We were so in love right? RIGHT? 

But you left me falling and I've been wondering on the way down: Why did you let me in this nightmare?  This absolute tragedy; this person who has done everything to make me fall in love with them and then rips it all completely away from me. Have you ever loved someone and then they just walk away? One day they tell you they love you, then almost a week later is telling you they aren't in love with you and they don't want to stay together? That's soul crushing. 

How does that happen? It's almost comical. It's actually very comical. The most bizarre things happen to me. It would happen to me and only me that some guy would go out of his way to convince me to fall in love with him and I fall deeply, madly in love, just for him to then walk away for whatever reasons that he needs to tell himself to feel better about crushing me. I wonder what you tell yourself while you fall asleep so you can have a restful night were you will eventually forget about me in another weeks time.

It makes me want to cry that you will probably forget about me soon. While you will have a little wrinkle in my brain with your name on it. Of everything we have talked about, every smile you flashed me, every secret you told me, every time you looked at me, every kiss you gave me and every touch. Years from now I'll still think of you and I'll wonder how you are doing and how I miss you. I won't be able to go down the candy isle without thinking of you at least once. I won't be able to see another person riding their bike down the street without me wondering how you look these days riding your bike. I'll wonder if you are happy and if you have achieved all the dreams and goals you talked about. You'll cross my mind at the most random times but nonetheless I'll think of you. And I'll wonder if I ever cross your mind even in the tiniest flash.

I want to forget. Because I know I'll be gone from you. It's not fair. You wanted me, you yearned for me. You became obsessed with me. But I know I'll be gone from your memory just as quickly as I became your obsession.

I don't pray. But I prayed for a man like you. Every birthday wish I wished for a man like you. This past birthday when I blew out my single candle I thought to myself, "please let this work out." I wanted nothing more than to have that future with you. The good, the bad, the truly terrible and the wonderfully amazing. Ive been dreaming of you. It's always been you. I've only wanted you. How did we get here...

Addicted

 I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol before. But I'm addicted to people. I crave certain attention because of the lack of love I got as a child. At least that's what the internet and my therapist say. 

I get angry at this boy. This simple, basic boy. 

This beautifully average, simple boy. 

I get angry with him. 

"Why are you angry at him?" 

Because he makes me smile. He makes me laugh. 

I don't want to laugh. I don't want to smile. 

 It tricks my mind into thinking I'm okay. So I tell him, "You make me angry." Naturally, he asks me, "Why?" 

"Because I'm happy when I'm with you." 

You see, the problem is, I'm not ready to be happy. 

I'm not ready to be treated with respect. I'm not ready to be showered with positive attention.

I was used to being sad. It felt normal to be treated like an afterthought. 

So when someone comes around and doesn't make me sad, who doesn't make me feel like an afterthought, I become addicted. 

I get so high on feeling important to someone and I chase that feeling. 

3AM Wednesday Mornings

    He picked me up at 2am. I was fighting an anxiety attack right before he picked me up. I pushed it down as best as I could. I wasn't going to let my anxiety ruin a possible good night. The drive to the beach was quiet, with small talk occasionally filling the air. We eventually reached our destination. 

    It was 50 degrees but with the beach breeze it was probably closer to 40. The sky was clear and the breeze nipped at my cheeks. We gazed at the stars and talked about if aliens actually did exist. We swapped stories about all sorts of things in our lives. And we were so very cold but we didn't really mind since we were just enjoying each other company. 

We both laid on our sides looking at each other for a few moments until I complained about how cold the ground was. I sat up and he laid on his back and pulled me down so I was laying on him. He was warm. He said I could put my hands in his hoodie pocket but I ended up putting them under his shirt. We laughed as he yelped at my cold hands on his skin. 

We eventually sat up and he cuddled me from behind, wrapping his arms around my shoulders resting his head against the back of mine. 

We kept asking what the other was thinking. There was a lot of unspoken words hanging around us hanging from the stars.

I told him about how I push nice guys away. I told him how any time a guy is nice to me or treats me respectfully, I run away. I push them away. It's probably the worst thing about me. I am so used to being treated wrong, by so many people, that when a genuine person comes around I self-sabotage. 

I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship. He said that was "completely fine". He said whatever happens he is happy he is able to spend time with me and make memories together. Whenever I'm ready to be in a relationship he hopes he is given that chance to make me happy in a relationship, but even if we stay friends he would still be happy. 

We have had this conversation a few times before. But this time felt different. This time I actually believed him. I didn't feel the pressure of needing to be ready to rush into something with him. The feeling I think I was having was trust. I think I was trusting that he was telling me the truth. That both made me happy and terrified me all at the same time. 

Shower thoughts

It was our safe space. 

The place we could be completely stripped.

Naked emotions.

No filter needed.

We were open and free. 

Small things

It's the small things.

The small things you did that I subconsciously would hide.

I would find remains of you scattered around my house.

It was like you took ahold of me all over again.

It was those small things that made me fall in love with you in the beginning.

It was those small things that made me fall in love all over again. 

Even months after it ended.  

I'm Crazy

 I'm crazy. 

    Do you want to know why I'm crazy? Well, for starters, I give too many chances. So many god damn chances. To every single person who doesn't deserve even one chance. But you see, I believe in benefit of the doubt, which is the problem. I always want to believe that someone is better than they actually are. I give them the opportunity to be the person I expect them to be in my head. Guess what? They never reach that expectation. Which is probably my fault for giving them a high expectation. But I just want them to be the best version of themselves. I want them to be who they deserve to be. But they always fall short of what I expect from them. 

    I am horribly disappointed but I give another chance. I lower my expectations and give them the second chance to prove to me that they can be better. And they fail, again. This cycle repeats itself over and over again until my expectations are practically nothing. So when someone gives me slightly above that nothing expectation, I am over the fucking moon. And I hold on to that little hope of that slightly above nothing expectation... 

    I cling to it like my fucking life depends on it. "They went above my (nothing) expectation once! They can do it again! and they can do bigger expectations!" Thats the thought process that lingers in my mind. But that day never really comes when they do more than that one, single expectation. 

Its 5am

 It's 12AM and all I want to do is scream.

I want to rip open my chest and pour out the extra feelings.

It's 1AM and I want to throw my bones into a black hole.

Slice the fat from my body and feed it to lions. 

It's 2AM and I want to pluck my eyes out with forks. 

Turn my skull into a beautiful bowl. 

It's 3AM and I want to bleed into the Red Sea.

Tear the flesh from my face and set it on fire.

It's 4AM...

It's 5AM and I want to disappear.