Skip to main content

Being Right.

Being right is a kind of torture I chase after. 

It burns through me immediately. 

It gives me the courage to jump off a cliff. 

Being right is the same kind of adrenaline. 

Fight or flight. Knowing I will be right always turns my fight on. 

That gut wrenching feeling of knowing I am right. And I get high all over again. 

I put myself in situations I know I will be right about. 

Like knowing how much you still loved her. 

Or how you would go back to her after I was gone. 

It was a pain I needed. I sought it out. 

I dreamt of scenarios and woke up sweating from anxiety.

Overthinking those dreams and I would hunt for my next fix. 

And I always found it. I always found the next time I was right.

It made me feel alive.

It was the only thing that made me feel something. 

...Damn I need a meeting. 





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Addicted

 I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol before. But I'm addicted to people. I crave certain attention because of the lack of love I got as a child. At least that's what the internet and my therapist say.  I get angry at this boy. This simple, basic boy. This beautifully average, simple boy. I get angry with him.  "Why are you angry at him?"  Because he makes me smile. He makes me laugh.  I don't want to laugh. I don't want to smile.   It tricks my mind into thinking I'm okay. So I tell him, "You make me angry." Naturally, he asks me, "why?"  "Because I'm happy when I'm with you."  You see, the problem is, I'm not ready to be happy.  I'm not ready to be treated with respect. I'm not ready to be showered with positive attention. I was used to being sad. It felt normal to be treated like an afterthought.  So when someone comes around and doesn't make me sad, who doesn't make me feel like an a...
Post a Comment
Read more

3AM Wednesday Mornings

     He picked me up at 2am. I was fighting an anxiety attack right before he picked me up. I pushed it down as best as I could. I wasn't going to let my anxiety ruin a possible good night. The drive to the beach was quiet, with small talk occasionally filling the air. We eventually reached our destination.       It was 50 degrees but with the beach breeze it was probably closer to 40. The sky was clear and the breeze nipped at my cheeks. We gazed at the stars and talked about if aliens actually did exist. We swapped stories about all sorts of things in our lives. And we were so very cold but we didn't really mind since we were just enjoying each other company.  We both laid on our sides looking at each other for a few moments until I complained about how cold the ground was. I sat up and he laid on his back and pulled me down so I was laying on him. He was warm. He said I could put my hands in his hoodie pocket but I ended up putting them under h...
Post a Comment
Read more