Hindsight is always 20/20. Thats what everyone keeps telling me. Its easier to see the red flags after the fact. But what if I saw all the red flags while it was happening? I chose to ignore those flags. I chose to keep moving forward with the field covered in red flags. I saw those red flags and decided to try burning them down. I didn't want to see those flags. Those flags were warnings and I just kept ignoring them. In the process I was burning the whole field and the field was covered in a giant red flame. Still, with that flame high over my head, burning my cheeks, I still kept walking through that field. Until one day, after my body was covered in ashy lies and my feet were burnt raw, I didn't know why I was still wandering through this field. I thought love was passionate like a flame. Maybe thats why I kept going for as long as I did. I was hopeful and thought, "This is how it should be". But that flame, never gave me anything back. That flame was only using me to fuel its own agenda.
I've never been addicted to drugs or alcohol before. But I'm addicted to people. I crave certain attention because of the lack of love I got as a child. At least that's what the internet and my therapist say. I get angry at this boy. This simple, basic boy. This beautifully average, simple boy. I get angry with him. "Why are you angry at him?" Because he makes me smile. He makes me laugh. I don't want to laugh. I don't want to smile. It tricks my mind into thinking I'm okay. So I tell him, "You make me angry." Naturally, he asks me, "why?" "Because I'm happy when I'm with you." You see, the problem is, I'm not ready to be happy. I'm not ready to be treated with respect. I'm not ready to be showered with positive attention. I was used to being sad. It felt normal to be treated like an afterthought. So when someone comes around and doesn't make me sad, who doesn't make me feel like an a...
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