The last time I saw you

I liked the way you walked.

Is that weird? 

You held yourself with a humbling confidence.

I was jealous of your clothes constantly caressing your body.

You were the most attractive in the shower though.

Not just because you were naked,

water running down your skin making you glow,

your hair somehow always in a perfect swoop

no matter how you touched it.

You were vulnerable. 

You were relaxed. 

I was looking at such a raw private moment

of who you really were.

Your laugh could end wars.

It could dance through the valleys and hills 

and you would always catch me dancing to it. 

Your eyes were dark and deep,

they held your entire soul. 

I never knew I could love such an abyss. 

When I was laying bare on the bed 

And you looked at me with such hunger, 

I craved you. 

You’re eyes became wild and amazed,

Like I was the most beautiful feast

After being lost in the desert. 

And when you told me you loved me

I felt peace. 

I could see all of our past lives together 

And every moment we fell in love. 

Threshold

 Every day I have to walk through the threshold where you told me you loved me. I turned to look at you and told you I loved you too. We embraced and solidified our love for each other with a passionate kiss. And every day I walk in that ghost of us in that hallway. Wishing it lasted forever. 

The anger

God, I'm angry. 

So very angry.

I could crush the earth with the strength that swells up in me. 

I could scream for decades and never take a breath. 

I've become someone I don't recognize.

How dare you. 

You get to leave me and feel a little sad,

a little guilty.

I'm left with the anger. The monster. 

You abandoned me,

and I still defended you. 

You're gone and I evaporated.

Nothing was holding me together.

You let it happen.

You saw me breaking,

more and more.

And kept your eyes away from me. 

Ignoring everything I begged for.

I pleaded. 

I needed you.

The irony reading this now

     I feel so misunderstood. How cliche, right? Not feeling heard, not feeling seen, never finding the right words to use for the average person to comprehend what I'm trying to communicate. I try any way I can to express myself. I write my silly little words down. I paint all the pictures. I dance and move my body. I've tried it all. I've learned as many words as I possibly can. Did you know the average person can know about 35,000 words? And no amount of infinite combinations can make me feel understood. 

    That is, until you showed up. You took this chance on me. You saw something in me and wanted to learn more. You took the time to ask me about myself. You took the time to really look at me and see there was more than just surface level fascination. 

You pay attention to my little micro expressions like I'm under a microscope. You are trying to understand every atom, every molecule. You want to see them shift and move like it's the most beautiful dance you've ever seen.  You show up and are present with every day that has passed. I don't think you will ever realize how important that is for me. 

Even right now, as I write this, we are on FaceTime and you are asleep and snoring. Not wanting even a moment apart. We are so far away in distance but we are close emotionally. 

I don't have to beg with you. I've spent my entire life begging for something. Begging my father to spend time with me. For him to see me for the person that I am and not for the daughter he has created in his mind. Begging for him to learn anything about me. Eventually I stopped begging him for validation and reassurance. 

but then I've had to beg every boyfriend I've ever known to see me. I've had to beg for them to not be embarrassed by me. Ive had to beg for them not to leave me when things got hard or when I was feeling so low I could barely take care of myself. I was fighting for my life when boys have walked away from me because they thought I was too much. 

But with you, I don't have to beg. I am confident that when the inevitable day of a friend or family member passes away, I don't need to sit there and beg for you to sit with me while I cry. You will be there for the hard stuff. You will be there and I won't have to beg.  

R

I almost lost you the moment we met. 

I've been so jaded and numb until this point.

Our initial interaction was average.

I didn't see it at first.

I was letting you slip away.

But you saw it.

You saw what we were to become.

Letting me drift a bit but never very far,

you brought me back. 

It was simple,

Hello.

Hello...

I'm trying to convince myself this could still work.

That was the start.

The beginning of our love story.

Endless conversations,

Constant laughter,

The connection I've been yearning for.

It's the story you hear about and wish it happened to you.

This story was mine.

The love story that I've always was envious of,

Was mine.

This beautiful man was mine.

He was someone I wanted to experience everything with,

I want him by my side through it all. 

How did we get here?

 I don't even know what to write. I'm reading all this happy bullshit I wrote when we started talking and it's so positive and beautiful and there is so much hope in that version of me that wrote those things. But then there is this version: Cynical and harsh and angry. My chest is burning. You became so important to me in such a short amount of time. But here we are at the end of our very short story. I really thought it would last. I really thought it was going to work this time. My friends were so hopeful. They have seen me at my absolute lowest. When I got cheated on over and over again. When I was able to get away from some of the psychos I've dated. When my ex got arrested for strangling me. They have seen me in the dirt fighting for my life. And time and time again they have seen me pick myself up and try again. And again. And again. And again. 

I'm gonna be crying myself to sleep again tonight. A familiar feeling, almost nostalgic. After every single bad relationship the recipe for "loving yourself" always comes up.  I need to love myself so much. I need to focus on me. I need to love myself so much so that the next person that comes along will be held to the highest standard...but what happens when that next person never comes along. I'll either lower my standards and end up in another abusive relationship or my standards are so high no one meets up to them and I end up alone.  I don't want to be alone. I'm sure no one wants to be alone. I'll be alone if I have to be, but God, I wanted to be with you. 

It's unfair how easy you make it to fall in love with you. It was probably one of the easiest things I've ever done. I told one of my friends, " it feels like we were always meant to be together" and I meant it. That's how swift and effortless it was with you. You were able to seamlessly glide into my life like you were always meant to be there. 

You lived in a bubble though. This beautiful bubble that hypnotized you. You didn't know which way was up, I was always on your mind and you were completely in love with me. And I believed it. I walked right into the bubble. We were high above everything. Nothing in site to pop the delusions around us. We were two stupid people who thought we were falling in love hard and fast. And maybe we did. Maybe we did fall in love so hard and so fast we felt completely invincible. So invincible that we never thought about the hardships. We thought we were so invincible that we could conquer anything because we loved each other so much. Until we floated near something too sharp; too real. 

POP! 

I reached for your hand. We were so in love right? RIGHT? 

But you left me falling and I've been wondering on the way down: Why did you let me in this nightmare?  This absolute tragedy; this person who has done everything to make me fall in love with them and then rips it all completely away from me. Have you ever loved someone and then they just walk away? One day they tell you they love you, then almost a week later is telling you they aren't in love with you and they don't want to stay together? That's soul crushing. 

How does that happen? It's almost comical. It's actually very comical. The most bizarre things happen to me. It would happen to me and only me that some guy would go out of his way to convince me to fall in love with him and I fall deeply, madly in love, just for him to then walk away for whatever reasons that he needs to tell himself to feel better about crushing me. I wonder what you tell yourself while you fall asleep so you can have a restful night were you will eventually forget about me in another weeks time.

It makes me want to cry that you will probably forget about me soon. While you will have a little wrinkle in my brain with your name on it. Of everything we have talked about, every smile you flashed me, every secret you told me, every time you looked at me, every kiss you gave me and every touch. Years from now I'll still think of you and I'll wonder how you are doing and how I miss you. I won't be able to go down the candy isle without thinking of you at least once. I won't be able to see another person riding their bike down the street without me wondering how you look these days riding your bike. I'll wonder if you are happy and if you have achieved all the dreams and goals you talked about. You'll cross my mind at the most random times but nonetheless I'll think of you. And I'll wonder if I ever cross your mind even in the tiniest flash.

I want to forget. Because I know I'll be gone from you. It's not fair. You wanted me, you yearned for me. You became obsessed with me. But I know I'll be gone from your memory just as quickly as I became your obsession.

I don't pray. But I prayed for a man like you. Every birthday wish I wished for a man like you. This past birthday when I blew out my single candle I thought to myself, "please let this work out." I wanted nothing more than to have that future with you. The good, the bad, the truly terrible and the wonderfully amazing. Ive been dreaming of you. It's always been you. I've only wanted you. How did we get here...