Barely a flicker

He was wasting his time with me. He was wasting his time until he found someone else. He was devastated in the moment because he didn’t want to be alone. I loved him so deeply, but he didn’t notice or care, despite the fact that he said he did. When it came to things in our relationship he never wanted to fix it. I never realized how horrible I felt about myself until I saw him treat someone else better. Then all the shit he fed me, all the lies. Whatever came out of his mouth from the time we started dating was all a lie. He had the nerve to think I was the liar. To think he was the victim. Relationships are a two way street. Everything just gets passed back and forth, especially the pain. This was full blown war. Casualties were on both sides. He never understood my full potential. He was basic. Simple. He didn’t need much. While I needed more. Not in a materialistic way, in the kind of way that I craved a genuine connection with another human life that could understand and accept every flake of skin and every germ I might be hosting in my body.


When I looked into his eyes, they were dead, not because he was heartless but because he didn’t see me. He didn’t see my worth. He was made of copper. I was made of something out of this world.  Something that you don’t look at and throw in the corner of your room to hide from your parents and friends. I’m loud. I’m vivacious. I dare to be something other than basic. I’m not someone who is supposed to be understood. And that is why no relationship has ever worked out until this point. I’ve had a love that was so complex and abstract that they couldn’t handle my love and they couldn’t explain it.


 I secretly hated myself for loving someone like him. Everyone saw how toxic he was. Everyone could feel it in their bones, their muscles, their atoms. He was toxic. He didn’t understand what he was doing to me. I didn’t understand why he didn’t care for me the way a human should be treated even though we were together for so long. That girl… She thinks she is special. She isn’t. Which sounds mean for me to say but it isn’t that she isn’t special enough for his attention, it’s because she is basic also. She is content with the simplest simplicity. She sees my light and she tries so hard to burn brighter than me. When she can’t burn at all. She can barely flicker...