Constantly Misguided

     He picked me up at 2am. I was fighting an anxiety attack right before he picked me up. I pushed it down as best as I could. I wasn't going to let my anxiety ruin a possible good night. The drive to the beach was quiet, with small talk occasionally filling the air. We eventually reached our destination.       It was 50 degrees but with the beach breeze it was probably closer to 40. The sky was clear and the breeze nipped at my cheeks. We gazed at the stars and talked about if aliens actually did exist. We swapped stories about all sorts of things in our lives. And we were so very cold but we didn't really mind since we were just enjoying each other company.  We both laid on our sides looking at each other for a few moments until I complained about how cold the ground was. I sat up and he laid on his back and pulled me down so I was laying on him. He was warm. He said I could put my hands in his hoodie pocket but I ended up putting them under h...

It was our safe space.  The place we could be completely stripped. Naked emotions. No filter needed. We were open and free. 

It's the small things. The small things you did that I subconsciously would hide. I would find remains of you scattered around my house. It was like you took ahold of me all over again. It was those small things that made me fall in love with you in the beginning. It was those small things that made me fall in love all over again.  Even months after it ended.  

 I'm crazy.       Do you want to know why I'm crazy? Well, for starters, I give too many chances. So many god damn chances. To every single person who doesn't deserve even one chance. But you see, I believe in benefit of the doubt, which is the problem. I always want to believe that someone is better than they actually are. I give them the opportunity to be the person I expect them to be in my head. Guess what? They never reach that expectation. Which is probably my fault for giving them a high expectation. But I just want them to be the best version of themselves. I want them to be who they deserve to be. But they always fall short of what I expect from them.      I am horribly disappointed but I give another chance. I lower my expectations and give them the second chance to prove to me that they can be better. And they fail, again. This cycle repeats itself over and over again until my expectations are practically nothing. So when someone gives ...

 It's 12AM and all I want to do is scream. I want to rip open my chest and pour out the extra feelings. It's 1AM and I want to throw my bones into a black hole. Slice the fat from my body and feed it to lions.  It's 2AM and I want to pluck my eyes out with forks.  Turn my skull into a beautiful bowl.  It's 3AM and I want to bleed into the Red Sea. Tear the flesh from my face and set it on fire. It's 4AM... It's 5AM and I want to disappear. 

 She sat there, Doubting herself. She was always angry, but she was hopeful. You see, she saw the one before her move on. She saw the growth. She saw the progress. She saw the future. With out him, Doors opened. With out the insecurities She loved herself. With out the heartbreak, She could thrive. With out the constant pain, She was happy.  There was hope.  She sat there, And she moved on.