Constantly Misguided

You are so beautiful, my chest stings looking at your pictures. You are so intelligent,  in ways I probably don't compare. You hold his attention, something I could never do. You have the ability to make him stay loyal, I envy that so much. You probably make him laugh a lot, he always hated his smile. He says you understand him, what don't I understand?  You had the confidence I needed, where can I get it? He doesn't look at me with awe, but then again he doesn't look at me. He looked at everyone but me, I must not be worth looking at. You filled my space in his bed pretty quickly, I hope my spot was cozy. Your legs wrapped around him better than mine, or thats what I imagined. He didn't enjoy talking on the phone with me, he enjoys talking to you though. He didn't see a future with me, but I'm sure he can see it with you. He didn't ever really love me, but he loves you.

Earth and Water have such a beautiful relationship that I think describes our relationship pretty well. So, let me explain. Earth: land specifically, seems so random. An outsider looking in would obviously be curious at all the things that is on land. Curious about how the mountains and valleys dance in harmony. How emotional the weather can change in an instant and yet how beautiful each emotional outburst can be despite also, how dangerous. How welcoming the earth is of all the creatures surviving and thriving. Making a suitable home for creatures who need no explanation on why they are given this right and privilege.  Earth is accepting and at first glance might seem to be random but there is always a method to the madness. Earth is calculating and logical. Always thinking about as many steps ahead that they feel is necessary. Water: Is the most mysterious thing. Water is life, so much so that there are creatures that live in the deepest, darkest depths of the ocean. Water i...

Five days. It took five days for me to connect with you more than anyone else I have ever met. The first day we already settled into how we would laugh with each other for the rest of our time together. We knew each other for just a few hours but it felt like we have been laughing together like that for much longer. It was so easy for the words to escape my lips as I effortlessly told you things about me that normally sits like a brick in my chest. Those things weighed me down but when I told you it was like I could swim up to the surface again and take a much needed breath. There is never a dull moment when we are together. No awkward silence. We never have to force conversation. That’s something I really enjoy when we are together. It’s never forced. Everything about being with you feels so natural.  You make me feel like a baby bird who fell out of the nest. Which, is probably a dumb analogy, but bare with me. Before you, I was constantly trying to figure out how to fly. I tri...

 They are two copper wires who found each other and fused together to make a basic penny. Something that, in theory, is glorious. Economies are built around the idea of pennies. But at the end of the day pennies get lost, they get forgotten. Pennies were once very shiny and sometimes still are, but pennies cant pay the bills.

He was wasting his time with me. He was wasting his time until he found someone else. He was devastated in the moment because he didn’t want to be alone. I loved him so deeply, but he didn’t notice or care, despite the fact that he said he did. When it came to things in our relationship he never wanted to fix it. I never realized how horrible I felt about myself until I saw him treat someone else better. Then all the shit he fed me, all the lies. Whatever came out of his mouth from the time we started dating was all a lie. He had the nerve to think I was the liar. To think he was the victim. Relationships are a two way street. Everything just gets passed back and forth, especially the pain. This was full blown war. Casualties were on both sides. He never understood my full potential. He was basic. Simple. He didn’t need much. While I needed more. Not in a materialistic way, in the kind of way that I craved a genuine connection with another human life that could understand and accept ev...

Dear New Girlfriend, I hope you don't mind me writing too you. But I thought I would just reach out to see how you were doing. You see, I was like you. I saw the charm, it was refreshing. He held himself up to some standards and I respected that. He was able to hold a conversation, that is, until you realize the conversations he can hold are the only ones. He has those mystical eyes. They really are breathtaking but you shouldn't stare into them. They will trap you in his webs. Trust me when I say, I know why you think you like him. He has those sweet words. You want to believe that he is only saying those words too you, but that's not true. He will pretend to be the victim and act so defenseless to make it seem like you are the crazy one. He will pretend like your feelings matter when his actions will always prove your feelings don't matter. He likes to act like he isn't broken, like he isn't damaged or selfish. He likes women more damaged than him so t...

Hindsight is always 20/20. Thats what everyone keeps telling me. Its easier to see the red flags after the fact. But what if I saw all the red flags while it was happening? I chose to ignore those flags. I chose to keep moving forward with the field covered in red flags. I saw those red flags and decided to try burning them down. I didn't want to see those flags. Those flags were warnings and I just kept ignoring them. In the process I was burning the whole field and the field was covered in a giant red flame. Still, with that flame high over my head, burning my cheeks, I still kept walking through that field. Until one day, after my body was covered in ashy lies and my feet were burnt raw, I didn't know why I was still wandering through this field. I thought love was passionate like a flame. Maybe thats why I kept going for as long as I did. I was hopeful and thought, "This is how it should be".  But that flame, never gave me anything back. That flame was only using ...