And she moved on.

 She sat there,

Doubting herself.

She was always angry,

but she was hopeful.

You see, she saw the one before her move on.

She saw the growth.

She saw the progress.

She saw the future.

With out him,

Doors opened.

With out the insecurities

She loved herself.

With out the heartbreak,

She could thrive.

With out the constant pain,

She was happy. 

There was hope. 

She sat there,

And she moved on.

“God I really do fucking hate you”

You don’t hate me. You hate yourself.

You hate the hand the world dealt you. 

But you love to be sad. 

You hate that I would call you out,

But you loved to be a victim.

You would hate the drama,

But you loved to hurt me any chance you got.

You hated the things that happened too you,

But you loved to do nothing about it. 

Piano Bar

    It was another slow night at the Piano bar. With the rising cases in the Covid-19 Pandemic no one was going out to a small businesses like this one. The owner of the bar, Phil, was trying so hard to stay open and in business because it's all he knew. He felt bad cutting my hours and knew how I was struggling but I still had my consistent Saturdays and I was thankful he didn't fire me. I had to wear my mask while I played the Piano. I felt a little silly because the few people that did come into the bar didn't even come up to request for songs anymore. I just would make a playlist and stick to that all night. 

    Like a robot, I mindlessly played songs. My fingers had their own soul and moved willingly. My mind shut off. I just slowly would breath hot air into my mask and my eyes would wander the room but I wasn't looking at anything specific. I was on auto pilot while I my hands danced on the keys, like a dancer on stage. 

"Excuse me." 

A small slightly muffled voice snapped me out of auto pilot.  I look up to see these big brown eyes staring at me. I could only see her eyes because she was wearing a mask too. It had small apples on them. 

"I'm sorry if I startled you. I was wondering if you could play Satie's Gymnopedie's No. 1." Her voice was soft. She was standing a little awkward by my Piano. Trying to keep a safe distance.  I nodded. 

"Oh, Thank you! It's my favorite!" She twirled away quickly back to her hightop table. 

I did a quick glance around the room and it was only her, an old regular that sits at the bar just to get drunk and a couple in the very back corner. They looked like they were on a date. Probably frustrated with the lack of things open and found whatever place they could to get out of the house.

I paused briefly to take a sip of water before starting the requested song. I haven't played this song in a long time. 

I started playing the first couple of notes letting muscle memory take over. 

The young girl shuffled a few seats away from an area and started moving to the music. She was petit and she swayed back and forth a little before starting to step around and twirl lightly around chairs. She looked like she might have done ballet and she was practicing a routine she knew. It was a dark bar but the way the random spotlights around hit her hair as she moved to each note so gently. I was strangely jealous of how confident she was to do this in a small Piano bar during a pandemic. 

I was captivated by her. I suddenly imagined that she was probably a young dancer in New York. I was imaging she loved to dance and this song is what got her through the days when her feet were about to fall off completely. But oh! did she love to dance. Maybe she had to stop due to a sick relative and she skipped too many rehearsals. Or her studies at school got too intense for her. I bet her favorite color is yellow. She probably volunteers at animal shelters and cries at seeing beautiful sunsets. I was really was curious about this strange, tiny girl. 

With the last finishing notes of the song, I scan the room for her. I guess she had to leave in a hurry...

and with disappointment lingering in my body, 

Suddenly I realized, I fell in love at the Piano bar.

Same Book, Different page.

Are we on the same page?

No, I'm on chapter one. Starting from the beginning. The normal place to start.
While you started in the middle.
"What are you doing" I said, "I thought we were starting from the beginning?"
"Oh, I figured I would skip ahead a little." You said a little bashful.
"No no, we have to start at the beginning...it wont make sense otherwise."


We pick up the book, I glance over at you.
I notice your book is upside down.
"What, what are you doing?" I asked confused.
"I was wondering if I could read it this way!" You exclaimed.
"Thats not how reading works." Unsure of how you thought you could get through an entire book upside down.

I sit down, side by side so we can read this book together. But I cant help but notice that you are looking at other books you want to read. That you want to see other stories. That your attention is caught by many other beautiful book covers.

Is this book not enough? Is the cover not beautiful? Is this story not interesting enough? Does it not have adventure and humor? Does it not have a sexy, dangerous hero? What is this book missing?

This book has depth, it has character development, it has raw, complex, relatable emotions. 

You just couldn't help yourself. You went and picked up a different book. Flipping through the pages, caressing the spine. 

Later on I asked you if you were going to pick up our book again?

"It's important to me," I begged you to read it. 

"Yeah, I'll get to it, eventually. I have other stuff going on..." You dismissed me. 

But you were in love with one specific book. 

"This is the most wonderful book I've ever read!" You kept defending yourself. "I actually only want to read this specific book." You kept rereading it. Even thought you knew how it ended and every detail. 

But you still flipped through the pages of my book. Promising me you would love my story. And I hoped one day you would love my story.

We were always in different books. We could never be on the same page, no matter how hard I tried. 

Disappoint me

If I published every bad thing you said behind my back would you apologize?
If I put you on blast and showed who you really are, would you defend yourself or accept your fate?


Disappoint me.
Do what everyone else does.
Talk shit about me behind my back.
Take advantage of me. Take advantage of the love I have to give.
Be the disappointment in my heart when I wake up and the sun has risen again for a new day.
Disappoint me like everyone else that has walked into my life and taken what they needed.

11/16/2020 2:38am

 My life really got fucking knocked off the rails this year. And I'm ending the year trying to completely rebuild my life from scratch. No steady job. No relationships. Not a lot of friends. No confidence. Always crying and dreaming of where I want to be. But I see it ahead of me. I see the journey. I see what I need to do and this year was one of the worst and lowest of my life but I needed it. I needed this disaster so i can be pushed out of my comfort zone and build a life I am proud of. Not a life I settled for. 

It wont be easy. I'm going to cry a lot. I'm going to fall into old habits occasionally. I'm going to take some stumbles backwards. But I will also keep my eyes up. And I will only thank the things that got me here. I refuse to run back to any part of my past. 

I want to do so much. I never lost sight of who I am. I just put more effort in certain things that felt right at the time. But I never lost sight of who I am and the kind of person I want to be. I've always known who I am. I never let anyone tell me who they think I am. I know who I am. Always have. Always will. And I know the kind of person I will grow into. 

You have such a support system. You can't forget that. You can't ever forget the people who are there for you. They are the ones you should thank at the end of the day. They are the ones who always want whats best for you. Don't forget that. 

Hug your mom more often. She has always supported you. She isn't perfect but she is strong. So much stronger than you give her credit for. I want to be strong for her. I want to make her proud. I will make her proud. 

This year started with wanting to make big changes in my life. And it wasn't what I thought it was going to be but I am making those changes. The changes are happening one way or another. Don't get discouraged on how it happened but it's happening. 

You have done a lot with your life. It sometimes doesn't feel like it. But you are doing great. You have a full life. You just need to remember to appreciate it a little more on the dark days. You are worthy of all good things. You deserve happiness in all forms. And you are in control of that. You don't need anyone to make you feel less than you are. You are important. You have worth.

Hard Truth

 I think the hardest truth is realizing that the show you put on, was never for me. 

It was all for her. 

Used Love

 It was never the fact that you loved someone else before me. 

It was that you brought that love from her into our relationship. 

You couldn't find a new love in me, you brought her love and used that on me. 

I got hand me downs. I got used goods. 

You couldn't afford to put something new into what we were building together. 

And foolishly, I accepted it. 

It was the love that you could give me and I accepted it even knowing I deserved more than feelings for another woman.

You had a limited love capacity and it was maxed out with her. 

You cant love anyone the way you loved her.