Constantly Misguided

 She sat there, Doubting herself. She was always angry, but she was hopeful. You see, she saw the one before her move on. She saw the growth. She saw the progress. She saw the future. With out him, Doors opened. With out the insecurities She loved herself. With out the heartbreak, She could thrive. With out the constant pain, She was happy.  There was hope.  She sat there, And she moved on.  

You don’t hate me. You hate yourself. You hate the hand the world dealt you.  But you love to be sad.  You hate that I would call you out, But you loved to be a victim. You would hate the drama, But you loved to hurt me any chance you got. You hated the things that happened too you, But you loved to do nothing about it. 

     It was another slow night at the Piano bar. With the rising cases in the Covid-19 Pandemic no one was going out to a small businesses like this one. The owner of the bar, Phil, was trying so hard to stay open and in business because it's all he knew. He felt bad cutting my hours and knew how I was struggling but I still had my consistent Saturdays and I was thankful he didn't fire me. I had to wear my mask while I played the Piano. I felt a little silly because the few people that did come into the bar didn't even come up to request for songs anymore. I just would make a playlist and stick to that all night.      Like a robot, I mindlessly played songs. My fingers had their own soul and moved willingly. My mind shut off. I just slowly would breath hot air into my mask and my eyes would wander the room but I wasn't looking at anything specific. I was on auto pilot while I my hands danced on the keys, like a dancer on stage.  "Excuse me."  A sm...

Are we on the same page? No, I'm on chapter one. Starting from the beginning. The normal place to start. While you started in the middle. "What are you doing" I said, "I thought we were starting from the beginning?" "Oh, I figured I would skip ahead a little." You said a little bashful. "No no, we have to start at the beginning...it wont make sense otherwise." We pick up the book, I glance over at you. I notice your book is upside down. "What, what are you doing?" I asked confused. "I was wondering if I could read it this way!" You exclaimed. "Thats not how reading works." Unsure of how you thought you could get through an entire book upside down. I sit down, side by side so we can read this book together. But I cant help but notice that you are looking at other books you want to read. That you want to see other stories. That your attention is caught by many other beautiful book covers. Is this b...

If I published every bad thing you said behind my back would you apologize? If I put you on blast and showed who you really are, would you defend yourself or accept your fate? Disappoint me. Do what everyone else does. Talk shit about me behind my back. Take advantage of me. Take advantage of the love I have to give. Be the disappointment in my heart when I wake up and the sun has risen again for a new day. Disappoint me like everyone else that has walked into my life and taken what they needed.

 My life really got fucking knocked off the rails this year. And I'm ending the year trying to completely rebuild my life from scratch. No steady job. No relationships. Not a lot of friends. No confidence. Always crying and dreaming of where I want to be. But I see it ahead of me. I see the journey. I see what I need to do and this year was one of the worst and lowest of my life but I needed it. I needed this disaster so i can be pushed out of my comfort zone and build a life I am proud of. Not a life I settled for.  It wont be easy. I'm going to cry a lot. I'm going to fall into old habits occasionally. I'm going to take some stumbles backwards. But I will also keep my eyes up. And I will only thank the things that got me here. I refuse to run back to any part of my past.  I want to do so much. I never lost sight of who I am. I just put more effort in certain things that felt right at the time. But I never lost sight of who I am and the kind of person I want to be. I...

 I think the hardest truth is realizing that the show you put on, was never for me.  It was all for her. 

 It was never the fact that you loved someone else before me.  It was that you brought that love from her into our relationship.  You couldn't find a new love in me, you brought her love and used that on me.  I got hand me downs. I got used goods.  You couldn't afford to put something new into what we were building together.  And foolishly, I accepted it.  It was the love that you could give me and I accepted it even knowing I deserved more than feelings for another woman. You had a limited love capacity and it was maxed out with her.  You cant love anyone the way you loved her.