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Showing posts from September, 2020

Being Right.

Being right is a kind of torture I chase after.  It burns through me immediately.  It gives me the courage to jump off a cliff.  Being right is the same kind of adrenaline.  Fight or flight. Knowing I will be right always turns my fight on.  That gut wrenching feeling of knowing I am right. And I get high all over again.  I put myself in situations I know I will be right about.  Like knowing how much you still loved her.  Or how you would go back to her after I was gone.  It was a pain I needed. I sought it out.  I dreamt of scenarios and woke up sweating from anxiety. Overthinking those dreams and I would hunt for my next fix.  And I always found it. I always found the next time I was right. It made me feel alive. It was the only thing that made me feel something.  ...Damn I need a meeting. 

9/13/2020

 I had my first suicidal thoughts the other day.  I've been sad before. I've been so very sad.  But I never had the feeling of not wanting to exist before. I never really understood wanting to not exist.  That is, until I lost you.